“If the only prayer you said was “thank you” that would be enough”
Meister Eckhart
It is easy to feel the dense weight of sadness, fear and despair when faced with the enormity of challenge in the world, and in our lives. And feel these we must if we are to honour the caring and compassion that binds each of us to each other, and to all of Life. Gratitude is a deep recognition and appreciation for the goodness of life. Gratitude does not deny the hardship, but rather holds it in a bigger container. It asserts the blessing amidst, and alongside, the challenge. Gratitude is a testament to the light that is framed and birthed by darkness.
My first psilocybin journey offered me this gift of gratitude. After hours of journeying with the medicine, I remember opening my eyes and beholding the photos of my family and teachers that were laid before me. With tears of joy pouring down my face, I was overflowing with a sense of humbled appreciation for those my life had touched, and for everything the years had offered – pleasant, unpleasant, and painful. I opened my journal and scribbled, “GRATITUDE” upon a waiting blank page. I was brimming with a gratefulness for the perfection of all things, and the beautiful, bumpy road I had hitherto trodden. “JOY” emerged confidently below this first word and I recognized, as if for the first time, gratitude as the gateway to joy – a joy less fragile than happiness; less tied to external circumstances and the ever-changing tides of preference. It was then that my hand scribed, “LOVE” upon the page, below the first two words. Gratitude,… Joy,… Love… The joy that sprouts forth from the soil of unconditional gratefulness blossoms effortlessly into Love. It is this love that connects us to ourselves, each other and to all things. Love affirms our belonging.
The cultivation of joy and love can only occur once we allow our experience of gratefulness to embrace all things, becoming absolute, unconditional and unwaivering. It is oftentimes difficult to remember gratitude when caught up in the dense busyness of our lives, or when overwhelmed by suffering within and all around us. This gratitude must therefore be tended to daily, as you would a garden – offering the light of mindful awareness, clearing the weeds of apathy and judgement, and creating space for the miracle of it all to reveal itself in the ordinariness of this moment. Hidden within the course, hardened exterior of challenging experiences lies a beautiful blessing – like a pearl cloaked within an oyster shell. It is easy to feel grateful for a beautiful sunset, a kind gesture, or a delicious food. However, can you discover the gift within your challenging moments as well? When you are sick, can you gratefully receive the care of others, and better recognize the miracle of health that you had taken for granted? If you and your partner have an argument, can you remember the blessing of having someone to love, and to be loved by? As you feel anger or sadness at events upon the world stage, can this foster your agency to care, to connect with others, to advocate, to speak up?
In Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl courageously recounts his experiences in the concentration camps of World War 2, and what he learned about himself, and of humankind, in the face of such atrocity. In one particularly moving passage Frankl writes about how — amidst hunger, fear, suffering and death all about him — he had become overwhelmed by the blessing of loving his wife. “I did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no means of finding out, but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love…. Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which a man can aspire… Love is as strong as death.”
Anais Nin once wrote, “We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are”. When we have strong beliefs of fear, the world seems fraught with danger. When we believe that we are unworthy, we see our lacking everywhere. Such beliefs inevitably give way to judgement. Judgement impairs our ability to experience gratitude. It blinds us to the miracle and abundance that surrounds us. Judgement arises in the part of the brain scientists refer to as the Default Mode Network (DMN). The DMN frames our experience of reality as thought, evaluation and story. It is the seat of planning, remembering, ruminating, judging, as well as the source of our sense of a separate self. We first come to gratitude as a concept. If you think of what you are grateful for in your life — moments, experiences, people – a thought structure, known as ‘memory’, will arise in your mind, along with an associated story or image. This is the Default Mode Network in action. However, if you lean in, you will also notice there is a palpable experience in your body right now. Perhaps a feeling of lightness or ache in your chest; an emotion of appreciation or joy? As we cultivate our capacity for moment-to-moment awareness so we are able to see things more clearly, as they really are. The late afternoon light that streams through the living room window; the joy of satiating our hunger; the delightful sensation of warmth as a blanket sits upon our lap… become lived experiences of union, felt within the depth and breadth of this moment. Beyond a mere concept of gratitude, we become gratitude — gratefulness experienced and embodied.
I have learned so much of the power of grattude from the many patients and friends whom I have had the privilege to sit with towards the end of their days. Often, such people are filled with a gentle and unwaivering appreciation for their lives, for simple kindnesses, and for the myriad blessings of Life that surround them, with sudden clarity, as they face their own mortality. When the busyness ceases, the mind quietens and the body’s vitality fades, gratitude reveals itself — in all of its mundane beauty — to the unfettered soul.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of my own father’s death. This past week I have been moving through waves of grief in my body and mind. I notice that I am more tired, more irritable, and that there is a sadness weighing heavy upon my chest. A swell of tears awaits its space to emerge. I miss my dad. Our relationship was complicated and simple, colored with hues of humour, music, and a longing for connection that never seemed satiated. Grief is difficult,.. and is also a testament to the love I feel for my father, and the years we shared together. And so I am grateful for my grief, even though it feels painful and awkward at times.
Today I finally received the urn I had ordered to place my father’s ashes in. I have procrastinated this decision for 2 years now — Dad’s remains sitting in a nondescript plastic container upon my office desktop. The urn is a beautiful, handcrafted, dark wooden box. An ornate Tree of Life is carved into its front face. And upon lid lies a simple inscription that honours my father’s memory and the gift he was, and continues to be, in my life. “Thank you.”
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